#Always

Today is not particularly important to be honest. Today is just some random day I’m supposed to spend studying and getting stuff done. Those kind of days that are infinite and seem to last for forever and you never exactly know why. It’s like one of those days I should be at the gym (which also just happens to have a spa in it to which I have access…) cause it calms me down and clears my head. Let’s be honest, who does not appreciate a good old training at the gym along with the sweet embrace of a spa facility?

Anyway, the thing is lately it hasn’t been easy around me. Like at all. You know those days when you try to get yourself around something and you just cannot get why things go the way they go? You do, right? Well that’s what I have been having. Somebody from my family died. A bright and smiley and wonderful young woman who just happens to be a cousin of my mom and something that was more than just family to me as well. We used to hang out to a sushi place and have drinks together and chats about things happening in our life.

So she died. (I keep repeating that to myself trying to understand it’s real, to come to terms with it). Somewhere around two months ago she got sick. And things were just getting worse day by day. And we’d be there, hoping for that miracle to come along and bring her back to us the way she was. And we’d be there, smiling and trying to be strong and to show her the strength that she needed to keep on being strong. And we’d be there, holding her hands as long as we could, as much as she wanted. And we’d be there, telling her stories and letting her know we were waiting for her to get better and to go get drinks together and eat sushi together and talk shit together. And we’d be there, rejoicing at that bright smile and those bright blue eyes that once in a while she still managed to pull off, at that light she kept on emanating even if she was so much smaller and so-so much weaker than she used to be. And we’d be there, leaving the room for those short few seconds when things got too hard to handle and tears got too strong to be pushed back inside, because we couldn’t let her know, we had to be strong. And we’d be there, waiting and hoping.

Then things got worse and she couldn’t handle it anymore and she died. And we’re here, hoping that it was all just a bad dream, the worst possibly. And we’re here, still looking at her pictures and remembering her laughter. And we’re here, still looking for her in every little thing. And we’re here trying to move on and to come to terms with this, telling ourselves the story that she’s happier now and in a better place and with her parents and that other crazy bright woman her sister was. But we can’t. It’s too soon probably. Thing is, it’s not about being too soon for us. It’s more than it was too soon for her to leave us, this. Her brothers and sister needed her here. Her cousins and uncles and aunts needed her here. Her nieces and nephews needed her here. Her friends needed her here. Because you’re never ready to see someone leave you. You’re just never ready to see someone die.

So I don’t know where she is or what she’s doing or if she’s happy (which I truly hope). All I know is we’re here and we miss her and we’re holding on to her memory because letting her go is just too painful and so not fair to her or us.