#Nostalgia.

I don’t know whether it’s because I’m in the glorious middle phase of my PMS when I cry for no reason and eat for the same non-existent reason and wanna kick people’s asses as it was my right to, OR because I’m just way too tired and stressed out with everything this MA is making me do, but I am SO overwhelmed with feelings. Literally.

First and foremost, it’s been almost a year since I got back. It’s almost been a year since I cried my ass off because I was saying so many goodbyes all at once while at this amazing rooftop bar with breathtaking view over London. It’s been almost a year since that cruel expiry date brought me back to Italy. And as much as I try and say I moved on, we all kinda know I haven’t. And the pictures on my wall kind of  show that off. But anyway that is another story over which I will probably get even more emotional when the anniversary of departure actually comes.

Following, it’s been more than two years since I left Bologna. It was the 1st of June 2012. I still remember that weird feeling of emptiness and nostalgia I had while staring at my room, house and life all packed up. Thank God my mom was there helping me doing the hard work. My last week in Bologna was crazy, all those goodbyes and last chances I had to say and take.

For example, there was this guy I really liked and he liked me back, but we were all so stupid and timid to ask each other out. So I remember one night we randomly bumped into each other (again, for like the tenth time in two weeks) and there I knew, THAT was my chance to make things go the way I wanted them to. As soon as I got home and made up my mind I texted him that we should probably stop bumping into each other like that and purposely go out together; he agreed. We went on this super-weird date cause it was like should we pretend we’re new to each other or should we just finish what we started? Cause, you see, we had the longest history, like crushing on each other when we were 13 years old and on a vacation with our families and then meeting up again after 8 years. What destiny can do, huh? Anyway so we had this date and met up few other times before I left. I know it wasn’t much but hey, at least I found the courage to ask somebody out and BELIEVE ME that had never happened to me. I would say it was leaving Bologna that made me do it. That was me finally seizing the moment.

Also, I remember my last night in Bologna. I asked a friend out (not for dating purposes, just goodbyes) and spent this amazing night at our secret spot, a pub somewhere hidden in Bologna and talked books and music and life. I liked this guy so much, he was so different from the usual type you meet. I’ve always been extremely happy we randomly met on the streets months before. We almost got run over by some douche, I’d have killed him dumbass, and then got back home and said our goodbye. I went upstairs, I had said goodbye to everyone I knew. I walked into my house and saw nothing  but boxes all around. It felt like I got punched in my stomach, repeatedly: it hurt. Next morning I went out to do some Erasmus-related stuff then decided to take a walk. I walked all morning, my parents waiting for me to go home and leave, I walked past every spot, every shop, every street I knew and loved. I knew it wasn’t a definitive goodbye to the city, but it felt right to do so. And I miss Bologna too, everyday. Yes, I know I keep saying London is the love of my life, but Bologna was my first love, and you never forget your first love.

Finally, my 18 years old brother is on-the-way-to-graduation from high school. And Fifa World Cup is on. He’s taking what we call “maturità”. And it hit me: it’s been already four years since I took mine. Nevertheless, I still remember every single moment of those days, from the very last day at school and the water-battles to the exam and the tears of relief. All of the shouting when our team was playing and I was mad at everyone cause I was trying to study and needed silence and they were all so noisy. All of my crying cause I was stressed as fuck. Not to mention the absolutely non-sense trip to Paris exactly a month before exams started. It feels like an entire life has passed by in the meantime, which is probably true anyway.

So, wrapping up, for all these reasons, I’m getting nostalgic. Maybe it’s just because I have to move out from this house I’m staying as the contract ends in September and I have to find another place and it’ll be the sixth house I change and I was kind of really hoping I could stop moving every less-than-a-year. Maybe it’s because the more time passes by, the more I celebrate anniversaries of such sort of things as moving, graduating and all, the more I realize I’m growing up and need to understand what to do with my life for real. Or maybe it’s just PMS making oh-so-much-fun of me. Either way, I think I need to go on holiday. NOW.